笑笑抗疫

 

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A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

-3 euros is beer,

-3 to help Ukraine,

-4 assistance to European countries who have imposed sanctions and are not members of the EU.

-4 euros in aid to the UK, for successful implementation of sanctions against Russia.

-Then 3 euros are sent to the Balkan countries as aid to buy furnace coal. 

- and finally, 3 euros for a gas subsidy for the EU and fund to help maintain sanctions!"

The German silently took out the money and gave the bartender 20 euros.

The bartender took them, entered in the cash register and gave him 3 euros back.

German in disbelief : "Wait, you said 20 euros, right ? I gave you 20, why are you giving me back 3 euros?"

"Ahh... We have no beer!"

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A joke cannot resist sharing*

Mr. Lim shares with doc; "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio (urinate), the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"

The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her; "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets u

p to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...

At this point, Mrs. Lim yells; "Ah Seng! Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge again!"

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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So, he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from North to South. On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read. '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied. "That is a direct line to Heaven and for $10,000 you can talk to God". The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, in a very large cathedral, he saw another golden telephone, with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him. "That is a direct line to Heaven and for $10,000 you can talk to God". "OK, thank you," said the American. He then travelled all across America, then onto Europe, England, Japan, and New Zealand. In every church he saw an identical golden telephone with the same. '$10,000 per call' sign under it. The American decided to travel to China, to see if China had the same phone. After he landed in China, he went into the first church he found. There was the golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read. '40 Cents per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them the price was $10,000 per call". "Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered. "You're in China now son......." "THIS IS HEAVEN," "so it's a local call’. 

【网络谷歌直译】 一个美国人决定写一本关于世界各地著名教堂的书。 于是，他买了一张机票，去奥兰多旅行，以为他会先从北到南穿越美国。 第一天，他在教堂里拍照时，注意到墙上挂着一个金色电话，上面写着一 个标志。 “每次通话 10,000 美元”。 美国人对此很感兴趣，问一位正在散步的牧师，电话是用来做什么的。 神父回答。 “这是一条通往天堂的直通线路，只需 10,000 美元，你就可以与上帝交 谈”。 美国人向神父道了谢，就顺路走了。 下一站是亚特兰大。 在那里，在一座非常大的大教堂里，他看到了另一部金色的电话，下面有 同样的标志。 他想知道这是否是他在奥兰多看到的那种电话，他问附近的一位修女它的 用途是什么。 她对他说。 “这是一条通往天堂的直通线路，只需 10,000 美元，你就可以与上帝交 谈”。 “好的谢谢，” 美国人说。 然后他走遍了美国，然后到了欧洲、英国、日本和新西兰。 在每座教堂里，他都看到了一部相同的金色电话。 “每次通话 10,000 美元” 在它下面签名。 美国人决定前往中国，看看中国是否有同样的那种电话。 他在中国落地后，走进了他找到的第一座教堂。 那里有金色的电话，但这次它下面的标志上写着。 “每次通话 4 毛钱。” 美国人很惊讶，所以他向牧师询问了这个标志。 “牧师，我周游世界，在许多教堂里都看到过同样的金色电话。 有人告诉我，这是一条直通天堂的线路，但在所有线路中，每次通话的价 格都是 10,000 美元。” “这里怎么这么便宜？” 牧师笑着回答。 “你现在在中国，儿子……” “这是天堂，” “所以这是本地电话”

A married couple were walking through a garden, when suddenly a dog ran towards them.

They both knew it will bite them..

The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.

The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.

The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.

But his wife shouted, “I've seen people throwing stones & sticks at dogs, *this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog*

_Moral : No one else can *misunderstand* a Husband better than a Wife_

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李敖大師有一次去演講，女主持人問他說：「請問大師，該怎麼稱讚女人呢？」李敖說：「要稱讚漂亮的女人聰明、稱讚聰明的女人漂亮。」女主持人嗲聲嗲氣的說：「那你會怎麼稱讚我呢？」李敖說：「你既聰明又漂亮。」女主持人咯咯咯的笑了，全場也哄堂大笑。

李敖開始用國語演講，馬上有一個聽眾站起來抗議：「李敖先生，你吃台灣米、喝台灣水、來台灣40年了，還不會講台灣話，請問你是什麼心態？」全場嘩然，只見李敖大師慢條斯理的回答：「台灣的閩南人、客家人都是吃台灣米、喝台灣水、來台灣400年了，還不會講台灣原住民的話，他們是什麼心態，我就是什麼心態。」全場掌聲雷動。演講結束後開始提問，因為人數眾多，所以聽眾是用小紙條提問、由主持人依序拿給李敖。結果李敖拿到一張紙條，上面只寫了「王八蛋」三個字。大師沒有惱羞成怒，也沒有視而不見，他打開紙條說：「一般的提問紙條，都是只有寫問題，沒有寫名字；這一張比較特別，沒有寫問題，只有寫名字…」把字條高舉給大家看，「請問王八蛋是哪一位？」